The Court Jester (1956)

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If you've read any of the other pages on this site, you're probably well aware by now that The Court Jester is my favorite Danny Kaye movie. It's an incredibly funny movie, well written, and has a fantastic cast! It's such a wonderful movie that I couldn't possibly choose one favorite scene. So I've compiled some of my favorite moments -- in chronological order.

Most of the time, people tend to list "the vessel with the pestle" scene as their favorite. As much as I love that scene, you will not find it transcribed here. There are many places on the 'net where you can read it. Instead, I have chosen to focus on other hilarious scenes.

I can't stress this enough... If you haven't seen this movie of Danny's, you must! He sings, entertains, swings from ropes, falls under a witch's spell, woos the princess, gets caught up in a murder plot, jousts, has an amazing must-see sword fight, helps to overthrow the evil King Roderick I, puts the real heir on the throne and wins the hand of Maid Jean in the end. Disregard the fact that I just told you all the main plot points of the movie. This is a movie you have to see to believe!

No one else could have done this role the way Danny did!

KING RODERICK I: My child, I came within an inch of my life.

PRINCESS GWENDOLYN: Oh, father.

Cecil Parker as King Roderick I
Angela Lansbury as Princess Gwendolyn

PRINCESS GWENDOLYN: Marriage with Griswold? Never.

KING RODERICK I: What's that you say?

PRINCESS GWENDOLYN: He's a brute and a lout.

KING RODERICK I: Brute or not. Lout or not. If I so decide, you will marry Griswold.

PRINCESS GWENDOLYN: I will not.

KING RODERICK I: I am the king. If it pleases me, you will marry Griswold.

PRINCESS GWENDOLYN: If it pleases you so much, you marry Griswold.

This is definitely one of my favorite scenes in this movie. Herbert Rudley plays the Captain of the Guard, and he and Danny play wonderfully off each other. Here Hawkins (Danny Kaye) and the Maid Jean (Glynis Johns) are attempting to travel to the Abbey in order to get the baby (the real heir to the throne) to safety. Meanwhile, guards have been dispersed to track down this child. When the Captain spots Hawkins and Jean traveling on the wine cart, he immediately stops them. Hawkins is dressed up as an old man, and Jean is pretending to be his granddaughter.

CAPTAIN: Come down, old man, we would talk to you. You too wench.

HAWKINS: What's that?

CAPTAIN: Hurry along. This is King's business.

HAWKINS: Eh? What's the meaning of this?

CAPTAIN: Come on.

        (Hawkins starts coughing as he tries to get down off the cart.)

HAWKINS: What's the meaning of this? What do you want of us?

CAPTAIN: Where go you, ancient one? Who are you?

HAWKINS: What's that?

CAPTAIN: Who are you?

HAWKINS: What? What's that?

CAPTAIN: Who are you?!

HAWKINS: Fine, thank you.

CAPTAIN: No, no, no. Who?

HAWKINS: Who? Who? (coughs) I'm Foutzingdale, the wine merchant, and this is my little granddaughter. Poor child, she's a mute. She neither speaks nor hears except through my fingers. (puts his fingers to her lips as he speaks) Child... No, no. Here. (puts her fingers to his lips) Child, these... these are the King's men. Men of the king.

        (Jean starts signing with her hands.)

HAWKINS: She says, "Long live the king and down with his--" (He starts coughing. Jean pats him on the back.) Long live the king and down with his-- (more coughing, more pats on the back) Long-- (more pats on the back) A little harder, dear. (Jean pats him harder) Long live the king and down with his-- (more coughing and pats on the back) Not quite so hard. (He takes a deep breath and then speaks quickly.) Long live the king and down with his enemies.

CAPTAIN: Enough! Have you seen a group in the forest with a child?

HAWKINS: What's that?

CAPTAIN: A child. A child.

HAWKINS: A child. Child. Oh, lovely child. (hugs Jean) Pretty little creature, isn't it. But you stay away from her--

CAPTAIN: No, no, no. A child. So big. (tries to show the size of a baby with his hands) With a little mark on-- (he starts to point towards his backside)

HAWKINS: You do and I'll break every bone in your body! (coughing)

CAPTAIN: Ask the--ask the girl if she's seen a group in the forest.

HAWKINS: What's that? What?

CAPTAIN: Ask the girl if she's a group in the forest.

HAWKINS: What... (mumbles unintelligibly)

CAPTAIN: Ask the girl if she's seen a group in the forest!

HAWKINS: No need to holler, sir. I hear very well indeed.

CAPTAIN: Then ask her!

HAWKINS: Ask her what?

CAPTAIN: If she's seen a group in the forest!

HAWKINS: (places Jean's fingers to his lips) Child, have you seen a group in the forest?

        (Jean starts signing with her hands.)

HAWKINS: Eh, she says, 'No."

CAPTAIN: What took her so long?

HAWKINS: Stutters.

CAPTAIN: Oh, we waste time with these dolts. On your way. Off with you.

MAID JEAN: ...my father made me everything I am.      
HAWKINS: He does beautiful work.

Hawkins, under the disguise of Giacomo, is in his room, singing happily. Unbeknownst to him, Fergus (a spy of the Black Fox and an ally to Hawkins) sneaks into the room. Just as Hawkins is singing the last line of his song, he sees Fergus and raises his voice in fright.

HAWKINS: King of Jesters and Jester of KINGS! What are you doing here?

FERGUS: I'm Fergus the Ostler.

HAWKINS: Who-gus the Whats-ler?

FERGUS: Fergus the Ostler. It is I, not Ravenhurst, who is your friend.

HAWKINS: Look, my good man, you shall pick your friends, and I shall pick mine. At the moment I have a very important mission with the King. After all, I am the incomparable Giacomo, (Griselda the Witch enters quietly) King of Jesters and Jester of Kings. I have entertained in all the courts of Europe and speak a ready wit in their every tongue, now who are you? (Fergus has hidden himself behind the curtain)

GRISELDA: I am Griselda.

HAWKINS: Gri-who-lda?

GRISELDA: Griselda! I bring you a message from the princess.

HAWKINS: The royal princess?

GRISELDA: She finds you most attractive and would like to meet you.

HAWKINS: Me?

GRISELDA: She finds you passing fair, passing grace.

HAWKINS: Well, tell her "thank you very much" but I'm just passing through.

GRISELDA: One does not ordinarily refuse the princess.

HAWKINS: Well one doesn't ordinarily but you see--

GRISELDA: Is it possible there is someone else of whom you are fond?

HAWKINS: Yes, as a matter of fact there is.

GRISELDA: Giacomo, would you look in my eye?

HAWKINS: Eye?

GRISELDA: Yes, it's been troubling me, and I thought that the great Giacomo would have a knowledge of science.

HAWKINS: Sci... Science? Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have a great deal of scientific knowledge. We have, uh, which eye?

GRISELDA: Both. Look at them both. Closer, closer. Deeper, deeper. Deeper, deeper. Tails of lizards, ears of swine, chicken gizzards soaked in brine, now thine eyes and mine entwined, thy will is broken, thou art mine! Repeat after me-- I am craven and thou art my master.

HAWKINS: I am craven and thou art my master.

GRISELDA: Stand there, fool.

HAWKINS: Stand there, fool.

GRISELDA: Silence!

HAWKINS: Silence!

GRISELDA: You are in my power and will obey my every command.

HAWKINS: Every command.

GRISELDA: And remember, any time I choose a mere snap of the fingers can bring you out of the spell like this. (snaps fingers) And back like that. Do you understand, fool?

HAWKINS: Yes, master. You can snap me in and snap me out.

GRISELDA: Now listen closely. First and foremost you must convince the girl that this is a miracle, that you've been sent here by the gods. To do that, you must go to her room and make love. Go and make love to the princess.

HAWKINS: The princess.

GRISELDA: At once! (he starts walking off) Wait. Not like that. You are a figure of romance, of spirit and action. But at the same time, humble and tender. You are a man of iron with the soul of a poet. You are adventurous, gay, but with a lover's brooding melancholy, and above all, you must show passion.

HAWKINS: Hm?

GRISELDA: Show passion! (he takes her in his arms, about to kiss her) Not me, you fool! Now go. Make love.

HAWKINS: Good stock. Good battle. Good-bye.                                                    ...and, of course, who can forget that wonderful swordfight!

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